Cate just asked me how my day was. Should you lie to your child? Should you hide your pain from the seven year old? Should you let them only see the pretend, fake side or should you open up?
Today I chose to open the doors and am amazed at what walked in.
I've been blue lately. Really blue. Dark, navy, high-anxiety, not-raising-my-children-right, not-doing-anything-for-myself, poor, sad blue. I woke up today feeling even deeper in my pit of despair and, knowing I was heading to church, once again painted on my brave, I'm-alright face.
Jesus crafted a special message just for me today... and it was a whopper. There were several scriptures at hand; Galatians 5:16, Ezekial 36:26-27, 1 John 4:15. The message, however, was summed up and repeated several times, "We don't need to try harder, we need to remain in God." "When we stop trying and just focus on the Holy Spirit and invite Her in, we will produce fruit." The weight was lifted. (As I just typed, I accidentally wrote 'wait', but I think that fits as well!)
Do you know how hard I've been trying lately? I've been so busy with - well I don't need to reiterate the boring and long list. I've been busy with NOT focusing on God. Oh - I've prayed myself through it... but praying Band-aids, not God's will. Praying fix-its and not allowing His direction.
After the message, I closed my eyes as we sang and started to say, "Jesus, I'm begging you to just come and..." and He stopped me. He said, "Child... just ACCEPT my love. I've been sending it but you haven't been taking it in."
His words always stop me in my tracks but especially so today.
And just like that, I let down some defense and His love rushed in. I'm so excited to just stop TRYING and just give everything to Him and my daily, moment-by-moment decisions to the Holy Spirit.
Holy Spirit, Kum Ba Yah. Come by here. I ACCEPT.
As was prayed at the end of our service, "God, help us to truly take this message on into our lives and not just leave it here in the church." I don't want to create a Polyanna list of things I'm going to change and then keep it up for 2 days. That's my cycle and, Holy Spirit willing, I want to break it! But here's what I know that works for me:
- Daily, focused, meditative prayer
- Bible study
- Sleeping with my C-PAP
- Yoga
- Less pop and more water
NOTE: I did NOT add dieting. I will not add it. It's negative and will come in it's own time.
Most importantly - and here's the change - I want to stop trying so hard. Stop trying - and focus on allowing the Holy Spirit to move within me. As the message said, "People will wonder what new food you're eating." I already feel that change today and pray it sticks!!!
So back to Cate. What do I say when she asks me how my day went? I told her that I woke up sad, etc. Her little sweet voice said, "Why?" I told her I didn't know but I've been that way for a while. I knew we were going to church and had hoped for a message and got one! I told her that God told me to stop trying so hard and to let Him fix me.
Cate is special. I'm not sure exactly what skills she has - but I just know that she's more in-tune than other little people - and always has been.
Cate told me that God told her to tell me to open up and allow Him to move in. She said that if my heart was broken that I should put it back together - but only to allow Him to do that... because only He could.
She also said that she wants to be baptized but that she's worried about the wetness drying off after a while. I smiled and said, "I think I know what you mean. Are you worried that you won't feel as special as you do right now about God?" She nodded. She said she wants to be on the team, and knows God wants her to be, but is afraid it won't be special to be on the team later. What wisdom!
I told her that's why we go to church, VBS, and camp. I told her that this morning for me was another way of getting wet. She said, "You felt hard. You felt dry." Yep! No doubt about it. She said she was glad God told her to tell me He was taking care of me. "He's right here, Mom" and she touched her heart. Oh, praise the Lord how that child touches my heart.
The alarm clock is set for early morning yoga. I have some other ideas to focus on that were planted today on my journey. Writing thoughts down again was one of them. It's been a LONG time since I wrote about my journey. I wouldn't say I feel awash in the Holy Spirit - - but I'm definitely damp and focusing on wading in farther and farther.
