Still Small Voice

I bought a new van. Well - let's be honest. I'm borrowing a new van until I pay some people some money. We just love it! It has so many buttons and lights and levers and buttons ... the girls and I have been on our own daily carnival ride for the last month. We even discovered green limo lights that have no purpose whatsoever except to make three girls giggle. This car was made for us!

There have been a few things I couldn't make sense of and was too proud to read the manual about. There is a small triangle on each of the side mirrors. I thought they would light up when I turned on the blinker, but no such luck. Curious yet patient I've driven on, waiting for the mysterious triangles to unveil their secrets. But we'll get back to these in a minute.

I often feel as though life has been going along with the occasional ripple or even slight wave in my calm seas. I pray. Jesus and I walk. We talk. We deal. Lately, however, my calm seas have been a tsunami and I feel as if I'm losing my grip. It's back-to-school time which is chaotic and exhausting for me, I have friends with very sick children, I can't get the checkbook to balance, and, wouldn't-you-know-it, according to pictures posted on Facebook my diet isn't working. (Suppose you actually have to be on one to be too upset.)

So I pray harder. I don't walk because I've lost the energy. I grow quiet. I don't deal.

Where's my Jesus? I'm still praying to Him. I know He's there. I know He's with me. But my Superhero Savior hasn't rescued me yet and I'm having trouble hearing Him over the raging winds.

Yesterday a phrase kept popping into my head -- "Still small voice." I love when this happens because it never fails to be the wisdom I'm looking for with some amazing truth to unfold. This morning, as I write to you at 5:00 AM, I couldn't wait and I jumped on to research my phrase. Check this out.

"And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:

And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." (1 Kings: 11-12)

My tsunami has been so great, my Jesus went Old Testament on my ass.

I have to withstand the flame ... and the earthquake ... and the wind. I know He's there with me. He's most likely holding my hand so I don't blow away or sheltering me from the big rocks that are flying around. I have to endure and get through so that I can hear His voice clearly again. He is the still small voice. He is heard when it is still. But what occurred to me is that He will STILL be there. 

I didn't lose faith in thinking God had left me. I know that some people do and I pray for them this morning. Where I got lost was the frustration of trying to hear my Jesus in the midst of my troubles. I was trying to make sense and obtain meaning without first just holding on to Him. Storms will rage. I know this! But as His child, I need to stop trying to control the wave and simply let Him be THE shelter I need. I need to pray and step into His loving arms and be still while the evil winds blow. This doesn't mean that I just let things happen to me without putting up a fight or praying harder. It means to me, this morning, that I need to Let Go and Let God. He's probably not going to explain what's happening to me or why or what I will be learning from this as the storm rages. Have you ever tried to talk to someone in strong Kansas winds? They probably just smiled and nodded anyway. Best to tuck in, feel His ever-present love, know that He's got the wheel and that I'm where I need to be.

Is my storm over? I don't know. I may be in the eye of the hurricane. I will send up great thanks for the calm but prepare to hunker down again if needed. As any student knows, however, the next time the test comes I will try to be a little more prepared. I've learned something here and that's what is bringing me closer to my Christ... closer to living as the forgiven child that I am.

And when the horizon starts to darken the next time, I feel as though the still small voice will give me a caution light. I'm getting better in my 41st year of recognizing the signs of the onslaught. 

Yesterday while driving in Wichita traffic, I was making a lane change while rushing 65 miles an hour in some heavy traffic. I about made my move when I noticed the mysterious triangle light was on in the side mirror. What in the world? I slowed a bit and just then a car in my blind spot sped on by.

The words that He gives us are probably not going to be on a billboard announcing, "HUNKER DOWN DEAR CHILD! I'VE GOT YOUR BACK." But by tuning in daily and often to Him, I'm going to learn to notice the triangle in the side mirror. It's always there, waiting to caution me. 

And today, with our rain slickers still on, my Jesus and I get to work cleaning up the mess. But first we'll sit at my table and share our morning cup of coffee. I'll also be sure to thank Him for the friend and the family that also were holding on to me in my storm. But the clutter in my head is gone and Radio Jesus is coming in loud and clear. It's going to be a good day.